The editing process for this novel has required me to dig deep into my emotional well. I must admit that it has been very therapeutic. It has recently brought up something I was trying to hide from myself (as a protective mechanism): my broken heart.
I always hope that by sharing the lessons I learn along my journey I can also aid others in their healing.
As I’ve mentioned before, healing is a continuous process. I believe I am in the middle of healing from my last relationship. It wasn’t the longest relationship I’ve ever been in, but what it represented to me was huge. I thought it was to be my last great relationship, the one the Universe owed me and sent me as a result of that debt.
Well, no one is immune to being thrown curve balls in life – not even the wise.
The Strong Man’s Burden
Despite learning so much about myself, what I want in a relationship, and how to treat my lover, I am not immune to heartbreak and I am not above learning through pain and suffering.
As a man, as a working father, so much of my energy is devoted to being strong, to being the rock. I get so busy in all this entails that sometimes I forget it is okay to admit that I don’t have all the answers, that it’s okay for me to break down emotionally.
Me Talking to Myself
It is okay for a man to have feelings, it is okay to admit to yourself that while you love yourself dearly and admire the man you are becoming, you put an incredible amount of your love and wisdom into a relationship that ended abruptly and in its end, broke you incredibly. Once you admit this, the healing can begin.
The Need to Properly Grieve a Relationship
I thought I spent enough time grieving the relationship, but what I really did is rationalize my feelings away and drown myself in work and self-improvement. Nothing wrong with a little self-improvement. In fact, that is vital in stages of life, single or taken. However, self-improvement is no substitute for properly grieving a relationship. In that sense, I have cheated myself.
Seeking Therapy
My thoughts have been scattered lately and I have been having a hard time offering valuable insights on current issues. But I found solace in the one thing that has always comforted me and revealed valuable lessons I needed to learn about myself: Word Therapy. For me, that has been poetry and journaling. In the novel writing process, I am living out those emotions via my characters. In the poetry and journaling process, I am facing those emotions directly without the buffer of a fictional character.
So, I’ll be writing and posting more poems than I have in a while. I need to explore these feelings to understand myself better, so that I can truly move forward. What I’m trying to say is this is me…healing.
Ronaldo Gilley 