Ronaldo Gilley

“You can either be a host to God or a hostage to your ego.”
         – Wayne Dyer

I have been putting in a lot of time editing draft 4 of my novel. This is deep into the process in which I must be very introspective regarding my characters’ motivations and how it affects their actions. Being in this reflective mind state has not only impacted my writing process, but also how I see trending topics and current events. I watched over the last few weeks as the Red Table Talk with Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith turned into a spectacle with a life of its own, especially on social media. 

We live in a microwave culture, one prone to desire for instant gratification and a lack of insight into the nuances of life. This has given birth to the trolling culture. So, I watched as the memes exploded onto social media – the jokes on Jada Pinkett Smith’s entanglement, the ridicule of what appeared to be a teary-eyed Will Smith, and the empathy or disdain for August Alsina. Even those “perfect” people who placed their relationship standards into another couple’s situation and found it fitting to judge and look down upon them. I watched it all and admittedly, I was entertained. I even added my two cents in an IG story sharing that I would have never told if I was Jada’s “boy toy”.

After all, Jada was the crush of many young men from my culture and generation – A Different World, Jason’s Lyric, Menace II Society, Low Down Dirty Shame, Set it Off, The Matrix – if you weren’t crushing on Jada, you must’ve been under a rock during that time in history. So, yeah that was my little joke on this situation. There, I have exposed myself as a troll as well (SMH). But my indulgence of the humor of this situation was short-lived. Because, after I got my share of laughs from the memes, podcasts, and blogs, several insights were revealed to me. The reality is these are two people who made a commitment to each other, to something greater than their egos. And that is inspiring despite the resultant humor that was birthed from it.

Always the thinker, I find myself in conversations on intimate relationships often and one of the many insights I’ve gleaned is the amount of “deal breakers” people have when it comes to their love life – deal breakers being the thing that would absolutely warrant the end of said relationship. Interestingly, I found those with the most amount of deal breakers tended to be people that are either newly married or single folks who are in and out of relationships. I found something very different among those who had been married for decades. Their relationships tended to revolve around a certain understanding and acceptance of their partner. Seeing this and measuring it against our current culture, I asked myself, “What is marriage? Is it still applicable today? And, if so, what is its value to the people? And how do we sustain a long-term relationship amidst this microwave, self-serving culture?”

I promise to get back to Will and Jada shortly. Allow me to lay the framework first.

Do marriage vows really matter or is it all just ceremony in today’s world?

When I talk to people who are unmarried – either the dating, engaged, or single and looking – about marriage, they often cite their ideas of a glorious proposal, wedding, and honeymoon. This is then followed up with what they have idealized as the perfect relationship. This relationship meets all their needs and their partner is the main conduit for achieving this. They also expect a never-before achieved level of comfort as a result of that union. Very little emphasis is placed on individual responsibility and conflict resolution skills. This leads me back to marriage and the vows associated with it. I am finding hard to reconcile the selfless spirit of marriage vows with the self-centered, immediate gratification mentality that is becoming even more prevalent in our society. The classic marriage vows include the following:

• For better or worse
• For richer or poorer
• In sickness and in health
• To love and to cherish
• Till death do us part

It’s funny because these vows sound sweet and nice at the altar, but do people actually consider these vows and their level of commitment to upholding them before that beautiful wedding day?

With money issues being at the top of the list for reasons that lead to divorce, I think it’s safe to say that “for richer or poorer” is tossed out the window. It appears that financial stress dims the light of love and commitment. The harsh reality is that it is difficult to work through issues in your relationship when you are busy working or busy being unemployed.

“For better or worse” implies that you stick with your spouse not only when things are going great, but also through trying times, uncomfortable times. But people don’t like discomfort. It is exactly during this absence of comfort when many people throw in the towel (50% of marriages end in divorce). Prior to marriage, I think people should ask themselves certain questions and provide real answers to themselves.

• Are you willing to stick around when your personal agenda is not being served in the marriage?

• Are you willing to work through the hardships to make it back to the good times (“softships”)?

• Or do you need to be in a perpetual state of bliss for your relationship to work?

And “Till death do us part”. That is the hard one. Think about it. The classic phrase “Life is short” does not really apply to the bigger picture today. Life is long nowadays, with the average life expectancy of 78 years in the US. Unless you’re getting married in your seventies, this is a long time to be married to one person. Maybe marriage vows need to be reassessed.

• Till the money runs out
• Only for the better
• To love and indulge my own ego

Does our current culture even possess the tools to sustain a long-term relationship?

To people judging from their ivory tower of perfectness, I first question if you’ve been in a long-term relationship. Will and Jada’s marriage spans over 23 years (yes, back them). Secondly, it’s unrealistic to place your own relationship standards upon theirs – all relationships are nuanced as people are unique in personality and background. What can likely be guaranteed is that, if you stay in it long enough, all relationships will have its cycle of ups and downs. The problem I see is that this culture wants the butterflies, warm and fuzzies, and googly eyes, but not the discomfort, not the challenges, not the hardships. Most of us don’t even make it to the marriage stage because of these exact reasons. In order to have “Till death do us part”, I posit that you need a certain relationship toolbox for the long ride.

Healing is a continual process.

During the Red Table Talk, Jada discussed healing and the need to just feel good. She also spoke of healing herself through helping August heal. On one hand, I do not agree with getting entangled (there’s that damn word again) with a younger, broken person when I myself am already suffering a certain level of brokenness that is yet to be addressed. On the other hand, I also caution myself on judging the actions of someone working through their brokenness. There is no perfect way to dig yourself out of pain. Sometimes, oftentimes, it is messy, and you make mistakes, decisions that a sober and sound mind would not make. But that is the whole point – when you are broken, there are certain points of view you cannot access. You only get there through a series of events and steps – a process. 

During that process, you may break hearts, you may lose friends. However, Jada spoke of healing as if it was a linear process. I think we all have a certain level of brokenness and we must be careful to not think of healing as something that starts and then finishes. Healing is circular – a continual process that always comes back around returning you back to you. We must remain self-aware and keep updating our healing “software”. Some trauma we get over, other traumas cause deep scars that stay with us and just because we no longer allow the scars to control our lives, it does not mean the scars have been erased. Some scars remain under the surface and appear when we are triggered. Don’t ignore those triggers. Never be above being vulnerable to yourself and admitting when and where something hurts. New wounds will also appear, so the cycle of healing continues. Never be afraid or too proud to acknowledge your brokenness.

Disclaimer: Everyone will disappoint you.

That impeccable, perfect, and spotless partner does not exist. No matter how much a person makes your heart flutter and weak at the knees, at some point, they will do something to disappoint you or let you down. That alone does not make them a bad person and is not grounds for leaving the relationship. It simply means that you haven’t reconciled your idea of them with the reality of who they actually are. This leads us back to ego and its need to put everyone in your life into a specific category or box. Unfortunately for your ego, people are complex and never just one thing. The problem is not your partner’s inability to align with your idea of them. The problem is your inability to see your partner as a complex being just as you are.

If Love does not lead, Ego Will.

Enduring Love must be bigger than infatuation.

Infatuation is defined as an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something.

I always like to pick the brain of older couples who have been together for decades, often 30 years or more. A common theme I find among those who have lasted this long is the presence of unconditional acceptance in their relationship. The phrase Unconditional Love is thrown around like a cliché these days, but rarely do we speak of Unconditional Acceptance. Unconditional Acceptance requires you to accept your partner just as they are – no strings attached, nothing to earn. They are simply accepted as is, flaws and all. 

Your partner is not a project, you are not changing them to bend to your will or your idea. This level of acceptance opens the door to a deeper level of friendship and an openness in communication because it alleviates your partner’s fear of not being accepted by you which is where many lies are rooted – fear of not being accepted, fear of losing one’s spouse, fear of losing one’s family or wealth.

I fear so much got lost in translation of this insightful discussion. People focused so much on the word Entanglement and the tears that appeared to be welling in Will’s eyes. But he said something that stood out to me and I think many relationships can benefit from it. It is the very essence of the classic marriage vow rooted in unconditional love and unconditional acceptance. That is when he told her:

“I can love you through anything.”

Will and Jada were very clear that the relationship between Jada and August occurred during a time when they were estranged, so I won’t call this cheating. However, many people beheld it at the same level of offense. Men are stereotyped as being heavy ego-driven with the inability to accept his wife after she has been entangled in another relationship. However, infidelity appears to be a deal breaker on both sides. Sorry, battle of the sexes, it’s a draw on that one. What I find in that statement is someone whose capacity to love and accept his wife far outweighed his ego. That is nothing to poke fun at. That is to be praised. With that, I ask a question.

At what threshold does your love end and your ego win?

Relationships without forgiveness and compassion simply wither away.

On a long enough timeline, all relationships reach a point in which our partners offend or hurt us. Like all other sentiments, this goes both ways. But we are not robots. We are not programmed to behave within a rigid set of guidelines. The human experience is spiritual and fluid. As such, we inflict pain on our partners as they inflict pain upon us. Just so we’re clear, I am not recommending anyone to stay in an abusive relationship – that is a separate matter. That being said, you must not have a hardened heart after a dispute with your partner. When the dust settles, you must be willing to forgive them of their trespasses. You must also take off the lens of judgement. Having the ability to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, seeking to understand them rather than control them allows love the opportunity to resume after an argument has subsided.

The Two-Way Street: Communication must be open, Willing, and non-judging.

Your partner is not a relationship minion. They are not there to do your bidding and must not be relegated to that role. The need to feed the ego makes you to place your partner in a box, restricting them to certain behaviors in order to receive your affection or approval. This need is born out of fear and insecurity. Rather than stuffing them in that box, address your fears and insecurities and communicate openly. This requires you to be vulnerable. I often call this “being naked”. It is where you take off the armor that protects your coping mechanism born of fear and insecurity and allow your partner to see you truly as you are.

You must allow them the space to communicate their feelings, be it praise or complaint. There is never a solution in a “My way or the highway” approach. Remember, you are in this for the long ride. Many conversations will be painful, but they must be had for the relationship to thrive. People hate to be uncomfortable. This, ironically, is why hurt continues. You and your partner must be able to have those uncomfortable discussions, but also maintain a level of respect for one another. Remember, a relationship must be a safe haven for communication. If expressing your real feelings to your partner puts your relationship in jeopardy, then the foundation on which your relationship stands is weak, it is a house ready to fall.

Silence is Golden, but so is Appreciation.

A lack of appreciation can sour relationships.

In the workplace, it is often reinforced that bosses need to show their employees appreciation for the work they do. This is one of the many things that maintains morale in the workplace. When workers feel appreciated, they tend to not only do the bare minimum to not get fired, they instead take effort to display a certain level of excellence at the job.

If appreciation is so important at the workplace with people whom you have no relation to outside of your profession, why would you think it not important with the person you have sworn life vows to? No one gets paid to be a spouse, well at least not financially. However, there are Relationship Currencies and appreciations is one of them. This why remembering vows is so important.

To love and to cherish – Do people really place this vow at the forefront?

Remember, love is not only a noun, Love is verb. It must be done, it must be shown, not just thought, not just believed, but demonstrated.

Important: Appreciation isn’t reserved for only Valentine’s Day.

The gifts are nice, but kind words also go a long way. It is easy to take so many things for granted. All relationships have different dynamics, but you cherish by showing appreciation within that dynamic. If both of you work, but your wife comes home and also cooks dinner, tell her how much you appreciate and adore her for being this amazing super woman. I work full time and cook all the meals at home and take it from me, this is no small feat for a working parent. If your husband isn’t the greatest cook, but is a great provider, spiritual leader, and also the house handyman, let him know you appreciate how much it means to you and the kids that he provides this solid foundation. Maybe bring him a glass of lemonade next time he mows the lawn. Again, just examples. Whatever role your partner fills, it is a vital one. It cost you nothing to acknowledge that. The easy thing to do is to take the attitude of “Why should I praise them for something they’re supposed to do?” The answer to that is simple – because it makes them feel good. Words of praise and acts of kindness pour strength into their spirit. It reinvigorates the relationship. Remember, love does not just happen. You and your partner are responsible for creating it every day (https://bit.ly/30kRwbO).

Your partner isn’t responsible for creating your happiness.

This is a hard one for some to accept or even understand. Your partner isn’t responsible for creating your happiness and cannot fix you. Only you can do that. The responsibility of creating and maintaining your happiness is a heavy and unfair burden to place upon your partner. The human experience is fluid and you will undergo many changes over the course of your life, with each change, the requisite for happiness gets updated. For example, ten years ago, I loved traveling and always being on the go. Today, I still love to travel, but only occasionally. What has become more valuable to me is peaceful, quiet times with my own thoughts. This is priceless to me. However, it may not pair well with a partner who loves to go out every weekend and also has a passion for traveling often. It would be fruitless and cruel to attempt to change someone with a passion for travel into a peaceful homebody. But that is often what we try to do. We have an agenda for the relationship, and we attempt to fit our partner into that agenda. We reward them with affection when they conform and withhold affection when they do not. By restricting your partner to such a role, you are slowly killing their spirit and fervor for the relationship. More importantly, you are not considering the changes your partner will undergo on their journey. 

“No matter where you go, there you are.”

What I found to be interesting was how Jada mentioned that she just wanted to feel good. Regardless of how the Entanglement began, she found herself in that situation seeking that “feel good”, that happiness only to find her brokenness still there after the passion cooled. And this is because, while someone can provide you thrills and a fantasy love bond, these things can never sustain true happiness. Because the honeymoon phase of all relationships fades at some point and what we are really left with is a self-confrontation. 

It is at this point, in which we should be analyzing self and learning our scars and flaws and how to heal or fix them from within. Instead, we tend to look externally at our partner’s deficiencies in why they didn’t make us happy. And so often, the solution becomes running to the next partner, like how Jada ran to August. Unfortunately, running to the next relationship will not heal what you have not addressed within yourself. Because, while you can run from your partner, you cannot run away from you. No matter where you go, there you are. No matter which relationship you run to, if you haven’t addressed your own issues – those inner demons, those emotional scars – you keep them and carry them into EVERY relationship you embark upon. 

YOU must do the self-work. YOU must be brave enough to look in the mirror.(https://bit.ly/3h8U0ky)

Final Thoughts

Without truly knowing the inner workings of the Pinkett-Smith’s marriage, I praise their openness in sharing a portion of their journey with the public. I also praise their courage and desire to find their way back to each other, however non-traditional it may be. I empathize with August as I too know what it is like to fall in love with an incredible and dynamic woman, only to have her break your heart. I congratulate Jada for discovering that only she can create her own happiness. And I praise Will for being an example of a husband whose love for his wife far outweighs his ego. He is deserving a crown, not clown.

Everything begins with Action.

I leave you with these 3 things of which you should be mindful.

1. Be responsible for your own growth. 

2. Spend less time judging and more time developing your capacity for empathy.

3. Practice unconditional love and unconditional acceptance.  

Your relationship is a long road that will get bumpy at times. Do not allow an unpleasant moment to sour the sweet future.

Be encouraged, my friends!