She sees Him – past His exterior and into the depths of His soul
She accepts Him fully – not only His gloriousness but also His shortcomings
She not only basks in His light, She also accompanies Him in His darkness
I think they call this unconditional love
Many of us talk a good game about the desire for a long term relationship. But do you even possess the tools necessary to achieve such a relationship? I believe most of us do not. Because we have been spoon fed a fantastical image of what love and relationships are supposed to be, we typically believe that we will meet “the one” and we will live happily ever after in perpetual bliss.
I’m going to exclude you unicorns out there who will find this wonderful love and never experience any challenges to your idea of love. For most of us, however, in order to sustain a successful relationship, focused effort is required. I offer you four things to consider as you experience your beautiful journey with the one you love.
1 – To forgive is to be godlike.
Relationships bereft of forgiveness and compassion cannot thrive.
Studies conducted by the American Psychological Association found that the ability to forgive may be one of the most important factors in maintaining a healthy relationship. The ability to forgive one’s partner has been linked to a high level of conflict resolution.
I believe that the highest level of love is the ability to truly see your partner as a perfectly imperfect being that will make mistakes and accept and love them despite their blemishes. This is what I call seeing your partner through the eyes of God. A love that dispels simply because of disagreement is shallow and more likely a “fantasy bond” than true love. See the humanity in your partner and love them entirely, not just when they do everything we expect or desire them to.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgive each other,”
- Ephesians 4:32
2 – Appreciation is vital to relationship survival.
Love is not just a noun. It is also a verb which means that it is an action.
One of the most disparaging things you can do to your partner is to cause them to feel invisible or taken for granted. Healthy relationships thrive when both partners can see each other objectively, knowing their faults, but also recognizing and appreciating their strengths. No one likes being taken for granted.
- Thank your partner for the little things, not just the grand gestures.
- Recognize your partner for the ways they add value to your life and the relationship.
- Over time, some things do become routine. That does not mean they have no value. Let your partner know his or her efforts are not taken for granted. Even if it is as simple and routine as cooking dinner every night or that afternoon text asking about your day.
3 – Vulnerability lives in true intimacy.
Most people go into relationships with the best intentions. In doing so, they put their best foot forward in order to the secure the relationship they envision. This is great if both partners are living their full truth. However, far too often, couples don’t fully communicate their true feelings or express the things that are most important to them. This is rooted in the fear that your partner will not support or respect those feelings.
True intimacy begins with being your authentic self with your partner. This involves a certain level of vulnerability because of the unknown – we have no clue of how our partner will react to the full truth of who we are or how we feel, but intimacy cannot fully exist without truth.
We all say we want something real. And, if you want something real, you must first be real yourself.
4 – Abandoning accountability is not a solution, only a blindfold to the truth about you.
Amidst conflict, we tend to focus on our partner’s actions rather than evaluate our own actions and how it contributed to the conflict.
It takes courage to look at oneself as he or she really is versus the ideal self that we imagine ourselves to be. I urge you to be courageous and look in that mirror. Taking personal accountability forces us to see things about ourselves that we may or may not like. It is this recognition that creates the perfect opportunity for personal growth. It also allows you to break the unhealthy cycle of redirecting blame which is born out of fear and the need to be “right”.
In The Relationship Dismount, author and relationship coach, Renard “Zo” Williams speaks about how casting blame places you in the role of perpetual victim who has no power, responsibility, or choice. Take back your power and release the role of victimhood in your life.
Love isn’t something that just happens.
You and your partner are responsible for creating it every day. This doesn’t mean that every day should be roses and sunshine. But, if you are committed to each other, soften your heart and actively love them through effort and compassion. Otherwise, you doom yourself to the cycle of running from relationship to relationship the moment something doesn’t feel good. Running to the next relationship will not solve the problem. It only delays the lesson the Universe is trying to give you. My advice: stick in there, learn the lesson, and fight (work) for your love.
Ronaldo Gilley 