Disclaimer: The subject matter and the claims I make do not apply to everyone. I am not a professional blogger and have no intention of being one. For the most part, these are just philosophical rants of a Scorpio. I do not claim to know it all. I, myself, am still a work in progress. I do, however, honestly believe that this content applies to many. So, as I learn, my mission always is to share with you.
Inspired by a Poem
This latest discussion was inspired by a poem that I wrote six months ago, titled “The Invisible Man”. Being a poet and a Scorpio, I find great liberation in expressing and sharing my emotions. Self-reflection is a daily practice that I have adopted. “The Invisible Man” was inspired by a very dark time in a past relationship. Though this relationship was many years ago, I was still dealing with unresolved hurt from it, partly because I hadn’t truly addressed the pain from enough angles. What I needed to do was articulate what I was feeling during that time. In doing so, I realized that many people – men and women – have felt those same emotions. Digging deeper, I am exploring how we get to that place to begin with. I believe there is a level of accountability required between both parties in order dig out of this sunken place in relationships. And perhaps, there is a way to prevent it altogether. It does require some work though.
The resultant failure is always rooted in its foundation.
When it comes to two people in an intimate relationship, in order for it to work, they must both live in their truths, completely. A relationship built upon lies and deception will falter and tumble with disastrous effects. However, the resultant failure is always rooted in its foundation – its beginning.
Most of us begin intimate relationships through what I like to call The Hunt. We do this by pursuing our object of desire – the person with whom we want to be in a relationship. Spoiler Alert: It is guaranteed that most of these relationships will fail. This is not due to chance – we set our relationships up to fail from the very beginning.
If you fear honesty, the lie you live will always bring forth emptiness.
The primary driver in this madness is our failure to be honest. This is mostly due to fear. We fear that the truth will actually drive our object of desire away. This fear is a problem in itself which we will cover in a separate discussion. Because we fear that honesty will somehow scare the person away and, the desire to have them is so great, we create an image of ourselves that we believe our mate desires. We essentially create a “truth” that is acceptable.
Men, for example, craft our image based on the woman’s relationship values. And because most women’s relationship values are based on romance novels, movies, outdated social game rules, and everything else other than the current reality, the image created by the man soon cracks the minute conflict appears in the relationship – or as we say, when shit gets real.
Don’t be a Representative of you. Be the Real you.
In one of his many classic stand-up performances, Chris Rock stated, “When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them, you’re meeting their representative.”
Many have interpreted the line to mean that everyone is putting their best foot forward and presenting their most ideal, most perfect self in the beginning of relationships. In the case of men, I will take that even further and say that we are not only putting our best foot forward, even more so, we are presenting the image of ourselves that is aligned with the woman’s ideals. So, if a woman is a devout Christian, the non-religious man quickly transforms into the standard of holiness. If the woman believes in monogamy then the man plays the role of a one-woman man for her, even if he does not believe in monogamy. His fear of losing her will not allow him to be truthful. And her need for him to fill that role will blind her to the truth and wonderful premonition that she possesses. However, the representative is soon revealed and cast aside the moment the non-monogamous man is caught cheating. Or, when the faux religious man begins skipping out on church services to watch football and drink beer (I love football and beer by the way, so no judgment).
And, just to be clear, let me address one thing. Men AND women cheat. My purpose is not to debate who cheats and who doesn’t – that will be another topic for another day. Infidelity is just one of many examples of what happens when we do not live in our truth. To balance the argument, it’s important to note that the opposite occurs with men who meet women and inform them they are dating several women and have no desire to be exclusive. Though a rare kind, this type of man empowers himself and also empowers the woman by allowing her to make a decision based on truth and full disclosure. Honestly, the result is sometimes a mixed bag: Some women will flat out reject this type of “situationship”. On the other hand, others will find the man’s honesty incredibly sexy and attractive. To be clear, I am not espousing monogamy or polygamy over any other lifestyle choice. What I do espouse is honesty.
‘For better or worse’ just sounds nice, but how many people have that level of commitment?
A similar revelation happens with women who profess to love their man unconditionally, but begin mistreating him the minute he experiences financial difficulty. Sadly, it appears that most of us have a conditions clause tied to our love. One of the most popular marriage vows is “For better or worse.” But with most marriages ending in divorce, it would seem that most people are only in it for the better (or the fancy wedding). Most couples are not built to go through trials together. However, those who are find themselves stronger couples and purified once they emerge from the fire.
Conflict is inevitable in relationships – get over it.
Don’t get me wrong, some people should simply not be together for obvious reasons. But part of the dissolution that I’m discussing is due to the false belief that intimate relationships are supposed to be about some perpetual state of bliss. So, the minute conflict arises, most of us are out the door. This, as I have said, is in part due to unrealistic expectations for how relationships work. Another key component is that we have no conflict resolution skills. And just for clarity, by conflict, I’m excluding physically abusive relationships – I am NOT an advocate for staying in those situations.
You value your agenda more than you value your mate.
One of the top killers of relationships is the agenda. The conscious and evolved person recognizes the need to be fluid in understanding and flexible in values, especially when a value proves itself to be self-destructive and toxic to relationships. The problem that arises when you bring an agenda into the relationship is that it prevents you from being flexible and fluid, because the agenda must be protected at all times. Eventually, you will protect the agenda to the detriment of the relationship. You will protect it so effectively that you harm your mate. This is because you will have prioritized an ideal over your mate. This will always end bad. Why? Because the agenda prevents you from seeing your mate and the path you need to take in order to grow together.
In this situation, the only thing that becomes important is how your mate aligns with your agenda. And the minute there is no alignment, you will spend your energy on trying to align him or her with it. And if they are unable to align with the agenda, your partner loses value to you. This will lead to you mistreating your partner or ultimately leaving that relationship in search of someone who will align. Spoiler Alert: This is a futile pursuit – because the agenda is a fixed ideal, reality-based or not, that can never truly align with the human condition which is complex, dynamic, and imperfect.
This is not a game. This is your life.
My advice: Stop playing this game. You will never win and you will always have the false belief that the other person is to blame. No, it is you. You are the one full of crap, not your partner. I recommend you be bold and try a different path:
- Be honest. Be who you really are from the beginning.
- Lose the agenda.
- Actually get to know the real person you are dating. Don’t try to form them into something.
And at all times, see them. By see, I mean understand them – their beliefs, aspirations, fears, and all that forms who they are. At all times, see them.
Go to http://bit.ly/2txGxtg to read “The Invisible Man”.
Ronaldo Gilley 